After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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