She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
