I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
