Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
not ubering you a puppy
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
