I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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