Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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