Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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