I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
