Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
