my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
