We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Define "chronic" masturbator.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
