I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
