I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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