Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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