just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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