i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
