I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
