I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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