just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
