Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
