The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
