yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
