the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
