Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
