pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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