This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
