Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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