I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
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