ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
