I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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