I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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