Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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