I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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