he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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