I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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