On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
