My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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