I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
