hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
