I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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