i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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