i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
