Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
