I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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