my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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