Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
