How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
