My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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