my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
