Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
